TAINTED BREGMAN HARDLY A GAME CHANGING PLAYER

Well, well, well, the Boston Red Sox have officially lost their minds. Again. In case you somehow missed it while avoiding all things dumb and desperate, Alex Bregman has somehow landed himself a three-year, $120 million contract with the Sox. That’s right—Boston, a team that has missed the playoffs for three straight years, decided that the best way to turn things around was to throw an obscene amount of cash at a guy no one else wanted. Brilliant.

Let’s break this down, shall we? Bregman was the last big-name free agent left standing, and not because he was some hidden gem that teams just forgot about. No, no, no—he was sitting on the shelf collecting dust because Scott Boras, baseball’s most insufferable agent, spent the entire offseason making everything about himself and demanding an absurd contract that no one in their right mind was willing to pay. But then the Red Sox, in their infinite wisdom, decided, “Hey, let’s be the suckers who cave in!”

Seriously, Bregman was supposedly getting offers in the six-year, $170 million range, but no team wanted to touch that nonsense. Wonder why? Could it be because he’s still tainted from that little cheating scandal that helped define his career? You bet. Read HERE. Could it be because he’s not exactly the superstar he once was? Absolutely. But Boston, ever the beacon of wise decision-making, just had to overpay for a guy that the rest of the league had already passed on.

And let’s not ignore the “brilliant” structure of this deal. Bregman has opt-outs after the first and second years, making this a glorified pillow contract. If he actually plays well, he can bounce early and cash in elsewhere. If he flops? Well, congratulations, Red Sox, you just signed up for a massively overpriced headache.

Oh, and according to ESPN’s Jeff Passan, Bregman will be playing second base for Boston. Because, sure, that’s what they need—an aging, overpriced infielder instead of building a team with actual depth and longevity. Never mind that they have top prospect Kristian Campbell waiting in the wings. Who cares about the future when you can recklessly throw money at someone whose best years are probably behind him?

So, Red Sox fans, enjoy your new “star.” Enjoy watching your front office overcompensate for years of mismanagement by throwing absurd amounts of money at a guy no one else wanted. And most of all, enjoy another season of being overhyped, overpaid, and ultimately irrelevant. Because this move? It sure as hell isn’t bringing a championship back to Boston. 

Maybe get the garbage cans out too. Try that.