IT'S EASY TO SAY GOOD THINGS WHEN A TEAM PAYS YOU NEARLY A BILLION DOLLARS...

If you thought the New York Mets couldn’t outdo themselves in the “throwing money at the problem” department, well, congratulations! You were wrong. Enter Juan Soto—the latest overpaid, under-accomplished addition to a team that seems to think a billion-dollar payroll is a substitute for a functioning roster.

I can't believe I’m writing this. Seriously, this is a non-story. It’s a stupid story, and yet here we are, stuck in the quicksand of the Mets media cycle, where every fluff quote is treated like a revelation from the baseball gods. But hey, let’s dive into it anyway, because apparently, this is what passes for news these days.

So, what did Soto say that has the Mets’ cheerleaders—I mean, media—so riled up? Oh, just the usual sunshine-and-rainbows routine. You know, the same canned lines every athlete gives when they’re handed a blank check and a family suite for the next 15 years. Sports Illustrated writes: 

"It has been fun. It’s been really cool to get to know these guys," Soto said, per SNY. "It’s a new group of guys, it’s a lot of guys who have been coming from another organization and everything, but it’s cool to see how they get along together and how they’ve been building this team to win a championship."

Aww, isn’t that sweet? A real tearjerker. Of course, he hasn’t actually done a single thing in a Mets uniform yet, but hey, who needs accomplishments when you’ve got words? You’ve got to love how the Mets media takes “It’s been fun” and turns it into a Shakespearean sonnet.

But wait, there’s more! Soto went on to say, "After all these three years of changing teams, being here and there, it’s kind of like a different vibe. It’s unbelievable."

Unbelievable? Really? What exactly is unbelievable? The paycheck? The fact that Steve Cohen is willing to mortgage his grandchildren’s future for a guy who’ll probably be jogging to first base in a few seasons? Or maybe it’s the surreal realization that you’ve landed in a franchise that measures success by how many headlines they can generate in December.

And let’s be honest—what happens when the Mets are 10 games behind the Phillies by the All-Star break? Will Soto still be all rainbows and unicorns then? I’m guessing not. But hey, at least we’ll get more quotable gems to dissect while the Mets drift into another forgettable season.

Look, I get it. The offseason is long, and we need something to talk about. But can we not pretend that this is anything more than a millionaire saying nice things about his billionaire boss? Let’s save the breathless coverage for when he actually, you know, does something on the field.

Stay tuned.