DODGERS SIGN YET ANOTHER RELIABLE ARM FOR THEIR ALREADY STELLAR TEAM

The Los Angeles Dodgers are at it again, like that one kid in your neighborhood Monopoly game who buys every property, throws down hotels, and then has the audacity to shrug when everyone else is bankrupt. This offseason, they're not just trying to win—they’re trying to assemble the Avengers of MLB. And sure, if it’s within the rules, there’s technically nothing wrong with it. But let’s be real: it’s absolutely infuriating.

Their latest moves? Signing lefty ace Tanner Scott for a cool four years and $72 million, and following that up by snagging Kirby Yates, one of 2024’s best relievers. Because, apparently, having a bullpen that’s merely excellent wasn’t enough. Oh, and don’t forget the rest of their historic offseason shopping spree: Roki Sasaki, Blake Snell, Teoscar Hernández (re-signed), Michael Conforto, Hyeseong Kim, and Blake Treinen (also re-signed). At this point, the only thing missing is Shohei Ohtani pitching one inning while playing center field in the next.

But let’s focus on Sasaki for a second—because that one has rival execs lighting up group chats with conspiracy theories. The whispers are deafening: was there a pre-existing deal between Sasaki and the Dodgers? Was MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred asleep at the wheel? Rival teams are livid, and frankly, they’ve got a point. Sasaki’s decision supposedly “came down” to the Dodgers, Padres, and Blue Jays, but everyone with a pulse knew this was ending in Dodger blue. And then, just hours after signing Sasaki, they drop the Tanner Scott deal. Coincidence? Yeah, and I’m a Cy Young contender.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers’ rotation now looks like it was assembled in a video game, their bullpen is untouchable, and the rest of the league is left trying to figure out how to even compete. It’s like the rich kid showed up to the sandlot with a golden bat and hired a personal trainer just to flex on everyone else.

The Dodgers are ruining baseball. Sure, they’re technically playing by the rules, but when the rules let you stockpile talent like you’re hoarding limited-edition sneakers, maybe it’s time for a rulebook rewrite. Until then, the rest of us will be here, rolling our eyes, praying for an underdog miracle, and watching the Dodgers parade their All-Star roster like a kid showing off his Pokémon card collection. It’s getting old, L.A. Seriously.