Enough with the beards already! Look, you know me, this is a Yankee fan site. But something is bothering the hell out of me. The beard grabs by the Red Sox. I'm sorry, but I think I'd feel alittle weird grabbing another man's beard! Even if he wanted it!
Let's put this into an everyday situation, OK? I'm on a baseball field, a basketball court, a volleyball court... you fill in the blank. Our backs are against the wall. But you and your team dig down deep and you come back and win the game big time! You high five each other, maybe you bash forearms. Then, one of your teammates runs over to you and in all the excitement... he grabs your beard and pulls it in a way that almost seems phallic and perverted. Your next move most likely is to pop that dude in the neck for invading your personal space! In other words... what the hell is this beard thing with the Boston Red Sox anyway?
I have news for you... if beards were made to be pulled on... Tim Lincecum would have been jacking-off Brian Wilson's beard during the the Giants championship run a few years ago! The point is, men don't grab other men's beards! Beards are personal and grabbing someone else's is borderline awkward!
Beards have been around for years in baseball. Chad R MacDonald did a great piece on beards and long hair in BASEBALL'S HAIR APPARENT. What we didn't report on in that piece was grown men feeling up each other's hairy faces publicly. Why you ask? Well, because it's weird.
Look, I get team unity. I get the team doing the same thing together as a group of guys and bonding to get to a common goal. But the pulling of a beard is like the grabbing of a tusk or the milking of a cow or something. That in turn allows people's minds to wonder, maybe suggesting something sexual. Some at that point are grossed out, others are confused. I know you're thinking it, don't tell me you're not.
It's almost like a bad scene from Austin Powers... Did I see what I thought I just saw? Is that legal? It's like male porn.
Now... before you get crazy on me, know this... this post is meant to be a funny. This is meant to make you laugh. It is NOT to be suggested that I am homophobic. I am not at all! Quite simply, this is to make you think for a second. Hear me out... In the world of sports, athletes do invade personal space when big moments happen.
We've seem the pile-ons, the championships, the hugs, right? What we haven't seen are the beard grabs. That's new! Now sure, the Red Sox are doing it, and yes this is a Yankees fan site, so while the rivalry is intact, it really wouldn't matter to me if it was the Red Sox, the Mariners or the Pirates doing it. I find the ritual insanely strange. What's next... Dick knocks? Purple Nurples? Ass pinching?
Sure, read that and think I'm out of line or exaggerating, but am I really? Stick to the forearm bashes, the high-fives... it's way cooler and shows 2 guys being competitive, being true teammates... not feeling each other up! Same thing with women in sports.
Is it really appropriate for women to kiss on the court or to stroke each other's hair on the field? Maybe caress each other? It's not, although a bunch of you guys are checking out that picture above and are having second thoughts...
All I'm saying is, there are better rituals than grabbing a man's beard and stroking it... I really wasn't in the mood to explain to my kid the other night why the Sox were "tugging" on their beards. I kept it G-rated..."I have no idea, it's pretty stupid" I said and I moved on. The point is, while it's not illegal, while it was never meant to be suggestive... is it? Hell yeah!
Look. I rank on the Sox a lot here. This actually is not one of those moments. This is all in good fun. I wish them well, they have a good team. I wish they would also choke over the next 2 weeks, but clearly they're playing good baseball. I just think the beards... well, it's dumb at this point. Go play ball, go get excited about it... don't stroke each other off... I'm over it.
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