I NARROWED IT DOWN TO 3 TEAMS WHO WILL SIGN JUAN SOTO

Listen, Yankees fans, we’ve seen a lot of nonsense on the internet, but the latest batch of baloney from Red Sox "burner" accounts about Juan Soto verbally agreeing to join their team is next-level comedy. It’s like watching someone insist their $10 scratch-off ticket is a winning Powerball. Let’s dive into the absurdity and why this is all just another attempt by delusional Boston fans to rile everyone up.

Apparently, the Red Sox—a team that has spent like a middle-market mall kiosk since 2017—are suddenly in the mix for Soto with a 12-year, $650 million offer. Oh, really? This is the same ownership group that looked at Mookie Betts, homegrown actual MVP, and said, “Nah, too rich for our blood.” But now, they’re going to back up the Brinks truck for Soto? Get out of here with that fantasy.

Alex Cora can’t even figure out his own pitching staff, and we’re supposed to believe he’s about to convince one of the best hitters in baseball to come to Boston? Please. And let’s not forget, Red Sox fans are acting like they’ve got a deal done because some random burner accounts with fewer followers than my dog posted in Spanish about a "verbal agreement" that still has “a lot left to accomplish.” Newsflash: that’s not an agreement. That’s an idea someone yelled into the void.  You guys know how much I hate that garbage.

MLB insider Jeff Passan, probably in the middle of carving his Thanksgiving turkey, took time to squash these rumors faster than you can say “Fenway frauds.” But do Boston fans care? Of course not! They’re too busy sending out more burner tweets about how Soto is already house-hunting in Back Bay. Guys, take a lap.

Let’s set the record straight. Juan Soto is only going to one of three teams in my opinion:

1. The Dodgers: Because they have more money than anyone, and Andrew Friedman collects All-Stars like Pokémon.
2. The Yankees: Because Hal Steinbrenner cannot lose another generational player to Boston.
3. The Mets: Because Steve Cohen is that guy at the auction who keeps raising the paddle just to flex, even when he doesn’t need the item.

Mets owner Steve Cohen wanting to outbid everyone is peak comedy. He doesn’t need Juan Soto—he just wants the satisfaction of knowing he made Hal sweat. “Twelve years, $650 million? Pfft, make it $800 million. What’s another yacht, anyway?” Calm down, Steve. You already signed everyone available last year, and where did that get you?

Here’s the reality: Boston isn’t a draw anymore. You think Juan Soto wants to play for a team where the most exciting offseason move was re-signing their utility guy? No chance. Soto’s going to a team with real championship aspirations, not one clinging to memories of Big Papi and 2004. I kid, I kid. They actually are. 

The idea of Soto in a Red Sox uniform is hilarious, but it’s not happening in my opinion. Meanwhile, the Yankees, Dodgers, and Mets are gearing up for the real bidding war. And when the dust settles, John Henry will be left clutching his wallet, Steve Cohen will be laughing maniacally, and Hal Steinbrenner will (hopefully) be celebrating another star in pinstripes after he has the runs through December.

But hey, Red Sox burner accounts, keep tweeting. It’s adorable.