SCREWED, BUT NOT DEFEATED

There was a big, dreadful moment this past Memorial Day weekend where I thought for sure Bleeding Yankee Blue was at it's end.

Not because of anything we wrote about. There was no controversy or anything.  No, it was because of a computer that just seemed to crap out on me, and an individual, myself, just being so damn tired and busy... that I almost shut the doors on Bleeding Yankee Blue forever. Why you ask? Well, because at that moment... it was just easier. Let me explain...

This is my computer Monday morning. There is no rhyme or reason or explanation as to why it looks the way it does only than to tell you that I take care of my stuff and when I turned the computer on.... this happened.  I was not only defeated at that point, I was pissed.

Look, I try to keep BYB running smoothly every day.  I try to get stories up for you to enjoy and I try to make sure you don't read the same stuff you read anywhere else.  We like to be thought provoking and that comes from a reader who really made me smile in the midst of my crisis.  Little did she know I was having a breakdown at that moment....

@BleednYankeeBlu Robert, I read EVERYTHING on BYB, I just don't always have time to reply. AMAZING articles, thought-provoking too :)

— Valerie Snow (@ValSnow) May 26, 2015

But lately with everything on in my life, the sports, the busy-ness... it ain't easy to keep everything perfect with BYB. Sometimes we miss our deadlines, me included.  Plus, we're not a paid shop here. My writers, myself... we do this on a volunteer basis because we love to write and we love you reading what we write. But let's be honest; if you saw your computer look like that above... what the hell would you do?  Yup... you'd want to walk away too.

Here's the thing though.  There is too much invested.  I am proud of what the BYB family has accomplished.  I started this Yankees website from the ground up, with minimal help from many and ignored by a lot of people who thought I was "encroaching on their venture". That's an actual quote by the way. Now, in fairness, I always give a shout out to guys like Greg Cohen at Sliding into Home, who's since abandoned his blog, and Rob Abruzzese who runs Bronx Baseball Daily, who helped me learn the basics to get on my feet. I remember Rob said to me, "It's alot of work, but if you get passed the 2 year mark, you'll build an audience." He was right, and we are!  And that leads me back to me staring at that computer screen on Monday morning.  Sure, I was selfishly thinking about ending the whole thing right then to free up some time in my busy life, but instead, I shut off the computer and I took a trip with my family.  I needed to clear my head.  I needed to walk away.  I needed to do that so I wouldn't have a nervous break down.

I spoke with my writers and was honest.  "I'm fucked", I wrote to Erica, Suzie, Jeana and Ike.  I didn't know how else to say it.  It was followed by alittle dialog with Suzie that ended in me writing, "I gotta tell ya. If this doesn't get fixed, I don't think I have the energy to go on with BYB. I'm tired."

"What????" She wrote me.  I didn't write her back right away.  I'm sorry about that now.  Not that I was trying to leave her hanging... I was just downright frustrated by the whole mess.

We as a family got to our spot and the kids were having a blast.  I booted up the computer and tried my best to watch every YouTube video in the world on my phone on how to fix this "thing" that took over.  I'm not tech geek and that's a problem, especially because I'm in this blog world.  Ike... he's the master and so I reached out to him to see what he could suggest. But in the midst of that, I was able to get the computer back to normal.  No easy task, but I did it.  Then came my next problem...

Note to self: Never have a computer problem and then immediately drive to the mountains where there is NO Internet reception... you will screw yourself over!  I was literally without Internet and what signal I could get was just slow and annoying.  I wanted to punch everyone... it was downright bad. The point is, I couldn't tell if the problem was 100% fixed... it was madness.

But as I calmed down, had a Bud Light, enjoyed a family dinner, and eventually, I was able to work through it... slowly... very... very slowly, all the while getting support from my writers who were able to get the stories posted for you all to read and they kept BYB running the whole time I was dealing with this major computer crisis.  Sure, it may not have been perfect... but my team, my wonderful team of dedicated writers pushed though, and in essence, motivated me to not give up on my baby just because of a bad computer day.

I was kind of blown away and touched by it.

Bleeding Yankee Blue was started in September 2010.  I was pissed at the Yankees, and furious at Sergio Mitre for sucking the life out of my team.  Ironically, 2 days ago, I felt exactly the same.  Back then, I didn't walk away, I started BYB to voice my anger.  But earlier this week, I was done... COMPLETELY DONE with all of it.  But my team, my great writers didn't let me quit.  My team, the men and women I brought together made me realize the significance of what we have accomplished here.  Sure, I could have left you all high and dry... my readers, my writers... everyone. It's easier to do that sometimes, than to work to fix a problem, isn't it?  But ultimately,  that's not my nature. It's never been my nature.  I'm grateful for my work ethic and I'm grateful for my BYB family.

I leave you with a weird coincidence and interesting nugget I pulled from listening to Jorge Posada discuss his upbringing with his father.  He spoke of how his dad would make him do chores, and how one time he backed in a huge pile of dirt with his pick-up truck into a spot and he told Jorge to move the pile of dirt from the truck to another area in the field.  Jorge said it was crazy to do this as a kid, but he did it and never understood why he was always doing this labor.

Well, when I was a kid, my dad had a stone wall, un-cemented at the time, and he told my brother and I to move all the stones to one side of the yard.  We thought he was crazy, but we did it. A few weeks went by and it was complete.  My dad then corrected the foundation behind the sagging stone, and one day about a year later or so,  he told us to move the stone back to the area where we moved it away from.  Annoyed, tired, we did it.  Not for money, but because we were told to.  It took a while, but we did it.  Right before I went off to college, my father cemented the stones.  They could never be moved again.  By then, I was responsible, hard working, determined and disciplined and going off to college to take on new challenges.  It was almost symbolic in many regards.  As I saw myself unravel this past week, becoming frustrated and annoyed that my website would soon be abandoned because of a stupid computer glitch, I was reminded by those stones, and by the discipline and hard work that not only went into building that wall again, but building Bleeding Yankee Blue.

BYB is my baby.  I will never walk away from it, as hard as it gets... as tired as I am... and that's because I made it on my own and it grew with the same people that helped me through my frustration this past week.  It's about character. It's about hard work and loyalty.  It's about my core belief... hard work strengthens individuals.  It's strengthened me... it's strengthened by wonderful staff... it's allowed us all to grow stronger together.

Life takes some crazy turns sometimes.  Never let it defeat you.  Walk away... take a breath... surround yourself by good people... know the problem... execute... be the champion.

Thanks to my excellent BYB staff and to my audience.  You are my guides... and you're simply the best in every way.

And now... we continue...



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