THE BLUE JAYS JUST GOT BETTER

Look, I don’t need to give you a strict talk on how pitching wins championships. If you’ve watched even one Yankees game this season—heck, even just the first inning—you already know. Carlos Rodón and Max Fried have been the two bright spots, doing their best impression of duct tape holding together a house during a hurricane. But the rest of the rotation? Yikes. And the bullpen? Let’s just say "volatile" is a generous way to put it.

Oh, and if Anthony Volpe could go one full week without launching a routine ground ball into the seats, we might not be in this mess. But alas, here we are—half-collapsed, semi-sad, and watching the Yankees flail around like a team allergic to dominance.

Meanwhile, just across the border, the Toronto Blue Jays are out here making big-boy moves.

In case you missed it (or were too busy watching the Yankees strand runners in scoring position), the Jays just landed former Cy Young winner Shane Bieber from the Guardians. One-for-one deal. Boom. Done. According to ESPN’s Jeff Passan and MLB Network’s Jon Morosi, Toronto just added a fully rehabbed Bieber fresh off Tommy John surgery—and judging by the early returns, his arm is back and better than ever.

Twelve innings. Two starts. Zero runs. Two wins. This man’s elbow might be made of vibranium.

Bieber’s arsenal is as nasty as ever: fastball, slider, curveball, changeup, and a cutter he sprinkles in just to be rude. None of them blend, all of them bite. And with his elite command, he doesn’t just throw strikes—he paints with them. Think Greg Maddux, but taller and slightly angrier-looking.

And the Yankees? We just watched this whole thing happen like we were window-shopping at Tiffany’s with five bucks in our pocket. It’s not like we don’t need the help. It’s not like the rotation is overflowing with reliable arms. But once again, while the Yankees sit around waiting for Anthony Volpe’s bat to show up and Boone to make a good pitching change, another AL East rival gets stronger.

So now what? The Jays are coming. Actually, scratch that—they’re already here. They’re already beating us. Bieber just gave them a front-line ace, and we’re out here hoping our fifth starter doesn’t trip over his own cleats walking to the mound.

The Yankees had a chance to make a splash. Instead, we’re drowning.

And as always, we end with this: Do better, Brian Cashman. Please. Before we start reminiscing about the glory days of Aaron Small and Shawn Chacón.