COHEN BOUGHT A CIRCUS, NOT A CHAMPIONSHIP WITH SOTO

Mets fans, rejoice! Your fearless owner, Steve Cohen, just dropped the GDP of a small country on Juan Soto. Why? Because apparently, Cohen thinks the key to beating the Yankees is copying them after their failed experiments. Watching the Yankees sign Soto last winter and still not win a championship should’ve been a cautionary tale. But nope, Cohen saw that and thought, “Sign me up for that train wreck!”

Let’s get one thing straight: Juan Soto is a fantastic player. But one player does not a winning team make. Yankee fans saw that. Baseball is a team sport—something Cohen must’ve forgotten while shopping for his next shiny object. Sure, Soto gave us some highlight-reel moments in pinstripes, but his offseason strategy of ghosting his Yankees teammates like an ex after a bad date wasn’t exactly inspiring. A 15-year contract and a luxury suite for his family? Clearly, this is the “Team Soto” show, and everyone else is just there to fetch the peanuts.

The Yankees learned the hard way that no amount of Soto swagger could fix their problems. It’s like buying a Ferrari to win the Indy 500 but forgetting the rest of the pit crew. Cohen, however, saw that flop and thought, “Hold my billionaire beer.” Fast forward two years, and I guarantee Cohen will be staring at Soto’s contract like it’s a crayon drawing his kid made on the living room wall. And you know what? He’ll deserve it.

Let’s not pretend Soto magically turns the Mets into a legacy team. The Yankees are a Fortune 500 company—polished, historic, and undeniably elite. The Mets? They’re the neighborhood startup that still uses AOL email addresses and thinks a big neon sign will save the business. Adding Soto doesn’t change that. Swagger doesn’t win championships, and Soto’s doesn’t even come with a warranty.

And what about the so-called “cultural shift” Soto is supposed to bring to the Mets? Let’s imagine it: Soto shows up, flips his bat, and… the Mets are still the Mets. Maybe there’s more buzz at Citi Field, but buzz doesn’t fill a trophy case. Meanwhile, the Yankees are quietly building a powerhouse roster with Aaron Judge, Cody Bellinger, and Devin Williams, even Paul Goldschmidt. Every time the two teams face off, it’ll feel like a playoff game—for the Yankees. For the Mets, it’ll feel like another reminder they’re just playing catch-up.

Honestly, the Yankees dodged a bullet by letting Soto walk. They saved themselves from a 15-year circus and can focus on building a balanced, championship-caliber team. Meanwhile, Cohen gets to hang his “We Got Soto” banner next to that lonely NL pennant from 2015.

So, here’s to Steve Cohen and his latest expensive mistake. That you Uncle Steve for taking that selfish player in Juan Soto. Sure, it’s flashy, it’s exciting, and it’s destined to backfire spectacularly. But hey, Mets fans, at least it’ll be fun to watch—like a soap opera with a really, really big budget.