ANOTHER TORPEDO BAT & PORTNOY WHINES TOO MUCH

The weekend showdown with the Yankees and the Torpedo Bats was something else. But the most absurd complaint? That honor goes to none other than Dave Portnoy—who, at this point, is just a guy with too much time, too much money, and no idea what to do with either. His entire existence seems to revolve around whining, making his ridiculous "emergency press conference" videos, and, oh yeah, spreading nonsense.

Emergency Press Conference - The Yankees Torpedo bat needs to be banned before it ruins baseball @stoolpresidente pic.twitter.com/04w5Zz1s50

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) March 30, 2025

Case in point: the man actually claimed Aaron Judge was swinging a Torpedo Bat. Judge, who literally said, "No, I’m not," and, by the way, anyone with functioning eyes could just watch his at-bats and see—no Torpedo Bat. But sure, Dave, let’s run with that. Journalism at its finest. Fake news, bro. Go touch grass.

The best part was when Chisholm wrote back to him on Twitter saying “This is a high school baller talking.” Gotta love that, and Jazz is right.

Now, for the real story. The Yankees aren’t the only ones trying out these new bats, and the latest advocate comes from the Minnesota Twins: catcher Ryan Jeffers. His bat? A fancy new "bowling pin" style version of the Torpedo Bat. And he made a killer point while talking to ESPN’s Jeff Passan:

"There's new pitches getting invented every year. We're just swinging the same broomstick we've swung for the last 100 years."

He’s got a point. Pitchers keep evolving—why shouldn’t hitters? MLB’s rulebook is clear: as long as it’s a single piece of solid wood and within the size limits, it’s fair game. These bats aren’t illegal; they’re just optimized. And isn’t that what baseball is all about? The never-ending chess match between pitcher and batter?

Meanwhile, Portnoy should maybe shift his energy elsewhere if he wants to talk about cheating. Like, say, figuring out why the Red Sox just signed Bregman—a certified cheater—while their actual franchise guy, Rafael Devers, is getting squeezed out. Smart move, Boston. Real smart.

Anyway, back to baseball that actually matters—shoutout to Ryan Jeffers for backing innovation. The game is evolving, and I, for one, am here for it.