ALEX BREGMAN RUMBLINGS & I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

Alex Bregman to the Yankees? Sure, why not just have Aaron Judge hand over his captaincy and the Yankees officially rename themselves the Bronx Turncoats while we’re at it? If there’s one thing Yankee fans hate more than losing to the Astros, it’s losing to the Astros because of a trash-can symphony. And Alex Bregman? He was front and center, banging the drum (or rather, benefiting from its banging), smugly smirking his way through the 2017 postseason while the Yankees were left wondering if they should’ve just brought their own garbage lids to Minute Maid Park.

Let’s face it: Yankee fans don’t just dislike Bregman—they despise him. He’s right up there with mosquitoes, traffic on the Cross Bronx, and Red Sox fans who won’t stop talking about 2004. Every time Bregman steps into Yankee Stadium, he’s serenaded with a chorus of boos so loud you’d think Taylor Swift just announced she hates the Yankees. Bringing him to the Bronx would be like hiring the Grinch to run SantaCon. It’s madness.

The mere thought of Bregman in pinstripes is enough to give Yankee fans hives. Sure, he’s a good third baseman. Gold Glove winner in 2024, great defensive metrics, solid bat. But does that really matter? Yankee fans don’t want to see his numbers; they want to see him hit by a pitch—preferably while a plane flies a banner over Yankee Stadium reading “2017 WAS A SHAM.”

And let’s not forget why. The Astros scandal wasn’t just any old scandal. It was the kind of betrayal that sticks with you, like spilling mustard on your Derek Jeter jersey. Yankee fans have been stewing in that betrayal for years, forced to relive it every time Houston comes to town and chants of “cheater” echo through the stands. Now, the Yankees are supposedly thinking about signing one of the scandal’s poster boys? Why stop there? Maybe bring back Carlos Beltrán and name him head of player ethics.

Imagine the first time Bregman steps up to the plate in pinstripes. The boos would rain down like they were auditioning for a horror movie. Yankee fans would need their vocal cords insured. The Bleacher Creatures would invent chants so brutal, even Philly fans would take notes. Someone might try to hurl a replica trash can onto the field.

And what about Bregman’s apology for the cheating scandal? Oh, yes, the heartfelt “I’m sorry” that came with all the sincerity of a politician denying a scandal. Yankee fans didn’t buy it then, and they sure won’t forget it now. This is a fanbase that holds grudges like they’re heirlooms. Goose Gossage still complains about pitch counts, for crying out loud.

Look, signing Bregman might make sense in some sterile baseball vacuum where numbers and metrics are all that matter. But this is the Yankees, where tradition, pride, and sticking it to Houston are sacred. Yankee fans don’t want a Gold Glove third baseman if it means they have to cheer for a guy they’ve spent years heckling. They want championships—but they want to win them their way. And that way doesn’t include welcoming an Astro, especially one as synonymous with the cheating scandal as Bregman.

So, sure, go ahead, Yankees. Sign Alex Bregman. Just don’t be surprised if, by Opening Day, the Bleacher Creatures are wearing Mets hats out of spite.