OUR MANAGER HAS THE VERBAL FINESSE OF A 6-YEAR-OLD

Boone gives us quotes like he's talking to his friends on the playground.

Anyway, remember back in the offseason, when it felt like a Marcus Stroman trade was just one Aaron Boone shrug away from happening? Yeah, simpler times. Now, instead of asking where he’s going, we’re all just asking when he’s coming back—preferably upright and with functioning knees.

Well, guess what? We have an update from everyone's favorite quote machine and strategic savant, Aaron “No Championships” Boone. The same guy who handles press conferences with the verbal finesse of a preschool show-and-tell. 

According to Greg Joyce (God bless him for doing the Lord’s work), Boone says Stroman is still “feeling some things” in his knee. That’s the official medical update. “Feeling some things.” Inspiring stuff.

Translation: Stroman is nowhere close to pitching again.

The Yankees, in a shocking display of common sense, aren’t about to rush him back unless he’s completely pain-free. Because, you know, trying to pitch on one leg doesn’t usually lead to Cy Young hardware—or even a respectable ERA. So yeah, we wait. It’s been a weird, frustrating ride for Stroman this year. He rolled into spring training without a guaranteed spot in the rotation, which was awkward enough. Then came the “Nah, I’m not doing the bullpen” standoff. Charming.

But baseball being baseball, everyone else’s limbs started falling off, so Stroman got the call. And boy, did he answer—with an 11.57 ERA over his first three starts. We’d make a joke, but that number kind of speaks for itself.

Now his knee is acting up, his contract is in limbo, and here's the kicker: if Stroman somehow manages to log 140 innings this season (we’ll give you a moment to stop laughing), he locks in a cool $18 million for 2026. That’s right—$18 million for a guy currently “feeling things.”

In summary: no trade, no bullpen, no innings, no timetable, and no end to the saga in sight. Stay tuned for more updates from Dr. Boone and his Schoolhouse Rock of Press Conferences.