REMEMBERING 9/11 18 YEARS LATER: THE BETTER MAN I'VE BECOME

Yesterday was 18 years since the September 11th attacks. To this day, I have never seen replay video of the planes hitting the towers.  Not in a gif, not in video.  It's too hard for me because that violent act disturbs me to the core.  Don't get it twisted. I still honor the fallen. I still honor the dead and the heroes just like they would be my own family member.  I say a prayer, I always listen to the names of these innocent men and women when they are read every year.  But I will never look at the attack video for the rest of my life.  I cannot imagine hating a group of people so badly that I would do something so drastic and violent to another human being.  It doesn't seem imaginable... and yet here we are 18 years later and everyone's lives have changed in America. I know mine has.

This will sound like a ramble, but over the past 24 hours there is so much going on in my head, a head scrambled by that horrific act... so bare with me...

I remember the good times surrounding that awful day. I remember the hugs and the support and the politicians coming together because nothing else mattered but humanity and kindness in those dark days and weeks.  I remember when the late night shows weren't funny for a few days... and then one night.... there was comedy again and life did go on.  I remember baseball calmed me... and when Mike Piazza hit that home run in the Mets first game back... I remember realizing that it would all be OK.  I'm not a Mets fan... not a Piazza fan, I'm an American, and at that very moment, it was time to get back to life... and I knew that...we all did.

Baseball for many of us was our saving grace because the Yankees and Mets at that time were both solid ballclubs.  Me being an obsessed baseball AND of course New York Yankee fan... I was eager to get back to baseball.  It was my happy place.

18 years later around this time I know that I can always fall back on baseball, but it doesn't always get my mind back on track.  You see, I saw the 2nd plane hit the towers that morning. For the past 18 years, I will typically start feeling quite anxious and panic internally around September 1st each year. As the years went on, it was closer to the 5th, then the 9th.  It's just that internal clock we all have...when the weather changes and it feels "like September 11th weather" someone once said to me.  I always found that phrasing so strange, yet, I understood what he meant. The cooler air. The sun in the sky just a little different than other times of year.

Well, this year my anxiety didn't get the best of me until September 11th.  As we were just about to make that turn toward the Lincoln Tunnel.  I don't know why, but I looked at the spot where the Freedom tower now stands. It was the exact spot where I viewed it 18 years before. My emotions ran deep yesterday for about 10 minutes... HARD. God dammit what an awful day it was.

Eventually I'll be able to not cry around September 11th. But for now, 18 years later I still do. But in 2019, I know the Yankees are there to sooth me. And I know my family is and that's comfort right there.  My family is large now, my boys are older, they understand emotion and conversation about that terrible day.  "You saw it?" my oldest would ask. "Wait... where were you?" my 15 year old would ask. It's painful to speak about.

I wasn't a hero, I wasn't running into the buildings saving lives. I was in a bus across the river with no direct connection to the attacks other than I lost some good friends. I was also helpless and useless that day.  But as an American, as all of you know, we were all attacked. And so, there's curiosity from my children, and that allows me to at least tell the stories of not just me, but of the people that have more heroic and important moments that day than I.

Baseball will always be my fallback because it makes me feel good.  It's where I am the happiest and thank god for that.  The irony is that these days my 17 year old's team is the team I watch the most... traveling the country with him on weekends, watching him perform to the best he can on the diamond, it's my favorite team... and my favorite player is my son.  My oldest son, the one my wife and I said had to happen after September 11, 2001.  Yes... we had children fast, faster than we were going to after 9/11... because we realized life goes too fast.  18 years later we have 4 healthy boys, all smart, all incredibly kind and all into their own sports.  And luckily... that is my happy place these days. I am lucky enough to watch them compete and I can smile ear to ear and know that my wife and I made the right choice when the world was falling all around us.  We started a family like many of you, and I am blessed with that even though that nasty memory of 18 years ago still haunts me around this time of year.

I'll never forget 9/11 because my mind won't let me. Every year in September it plays in my head. In fact... I didn't even want to write a thing about this anniversary because it's just too hard.  But I thought it through and realized that if that terrible tragedy didn't happen... would I be sitting here telling you about my amazing sons? My path? My happiness?  That tragedy has ironically made me a better person... a better American.

I love this country. I love my family... probably more than I ever can love something.  But not only that... I will always love thy neighbor, my job... my city, humanity.  We are all human beings and we all changed that day.

I changed for the better. I became a father... and a better man.

9/11. Never forget.

I know I won't.

--Robert Casey
BYB Chief and Head Writer
Twitter: @BleednYankeeBlu