GAME 7: CHUCK NORRIS VS. WOODY WOODPECKER

I have to admit, although it’s not our Yankees battling for #28, it’s been a pretty good World Series. Although it’s hard to believe, someone has to win it this year, despite the fact that it should have been…could have been…the New York Yankees. I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. I’ve accepted it, and I’m no longer in denial about the facts. I don’t have to like them, but admitting to your anger is the first step in recovery. That being said, it seems as though the Rangers will take this one over the Cardinals. The answer is obvious. Why? You can’t be a team named the “Texas Rangers” and not think of the legendary Chuck Norris.

Yep. I went there. “Walker: Texas Ranger” is an American icon. I think they even named the team after him. He can find any bad guy and eliminate the most powerful and evil enemy. He can find a needle in a haystack. He laughs in the face of danger; Game Six wouldn’t have even made him flinch. He can catch a bullet in his teeth, and maybe even one of Mo’s cutters on the inside. He does karate. He has that cool mustache that never seems to look like there’s food stuck in it. He’s an infomercial God. In his movies, he always gets the hot girl. He works out with Christie Brinkley on that glide exercise machine, which looks so complicated that only Chuck can do it, and do it right. He probably could tattoo his own eyeballs. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. He once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Yes, Chuck Norris should be the Rangers’ mascot; it’s only fitting that their namesake be the one that leads the battle cry. Screw the rally monkeys; we’re talking Chuck Freakin’ Norris here.

Being one strike away from the World Championship Title and blowing it doesn’t mean that these Texas Rangers have failed. 11 innings of blood, sweat and tears is nothing. Try wearing a gun belt loaded with ammunition, machine guns, and catcher’s mitts in the jungle. In “Delta Force” style, The Rangers forced another game, making it a true “cliffhanger”, just like Chuck’s movies. You can’t win your first World Series without it being a nail biter, and true to “Ranger” legend, that’s what we’ve gotten. Although the locker room was quiet and there was a lot of girlish pouting and whining, the champagne is still on ice, which means it’s getting colder, and “brainfreeze” is inevitable. Just like Chuck, no pain, no gain, baseball fans. Man up, boys.

I’m not saying the Cardinals don’t have a shot, maybe they do. But who is they’re icon? “Woody Woodpecker?” Chuck Norris would eat Woody for breakfast, and pick his teeth with his beak. I think it’s quite obvious that the team with the most bad ass icon is destined to win. The Rangers have that never-say-die edge that will bring them over the top, leaving the Cardinals stunned on their perches, molting away their feathers wishing that they had Chuck on their side.

If my theory is correct, the “Whiner: Texas Rangers” will win the World Series tonight, facing all of the hoopla and brain freeze that they can handle. Let’s hope that they do the right thing and tip their hats to the man, the myth, and the legend that led them there. Don’t give up, never say die. Perhaps they need to use this quotes from the wise Mr. Norris quote as inspiration for tonight’s game: “People whine, 'I haven't succeeded because I haven't had the breaks.' You create your own breaks.”- The Mighty Chuck Norris



--Christy Lee, BYB Staff Writer



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